


Golden Boy [Rewrite]

by Jaspveri (Jaspberi)



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Bulimia, Depression, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Fake AH Crew, Immortal Fake AH Crew, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trans Jack, the swearing has Increased
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-09-12 22:52:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16880760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaspberi/pseuds/Jaspveri
Summary: After the mornings meeting, they had hit up a bank. It had been a somewhat difficult bank. In his own foolishness, Gavin blew himself up with a grenade, Michael had tried to prevent it, but Gavin’s pretty sure Michael just ended up being caught in the blast.No doubt the crew would be staying low after that one. Already some news sources are trying to say they saw the golden boy die.It’ll blow over, as it always does.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Golden Boy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7795789) by [Jaspveri (Jaspberi)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaspberi/pseuds/Jaspveri), [TheVagabondGod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVagabondGod/pseuds/TheVagabondGod). 
  * Inspired by [And](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7929907) by [Jaspveri (Jaspberi)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaspberi/pseuds/Jaspveri), [TheVagabondGod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVagabondGod/pseuds/TheVagabondGod). 



He’s painfully aware of how they think of him.  
Out there, in the view of everyone else he might be the golden boy. In here he plays the fool.  
Today has been stressful, and Gavin stares deep into the mirror, into his own eyes.  
Smears the blood on his chin when he wipes at it with his hand, none of this is permanent anyway, he thinks.  
He doesn’t like how his knuckles look with blood on them, he washes his hands and uses lots of soap.  
‘Gav!’ comes Geoff’s voice, Gavin glances up at himself in the mirror, considers not replying.  
It isn’t surprising that Geoff would be looking for him.  
They expect him to be nearby, happy and bouncing if not working at a computer.  
Gavin’s pretty sure the only time they take him seriously is when he’s at a computer, and even then they don’t notice the way he spends literal days at the computer, chugging energy drink, only leaving his chair to use the bathroom.  
They think the only possible mask he has is the one he shows to the outside world. Gavin doesn’t want to prove them wrong.  
He uses a rag to quickly clean off his face, and leaves the bathroom to look for Geoff.  
Gavin bumps into Ryan outside the bathroom, the older male is easily much heavier than him and this fills Gavin with a kind of broken pride he doesn’t really want to feel, they both quickly apologize to the other. As if simply bumping into each other in the hall actually matters, nothing they do does.  
He goes still when Ryan frowns, raising a hand to wipe something from the corner of Gavin’s mouth, thumb steady, ‘is that blood?’ he inquires, one eyebrow raising.  
Gavin feels unsteady, he blinks, unsure of how to respond.  
‘Probably fell on his ridiculous big nose again,’ chortles Michael.  
Lies and pretense are so easy, thinks Gavin to himself, he doesn’t laugh at what Michael has said, but no ones eyes are on his face anyway.  
Michael gestures for Gavin to follow him, Ryan comes along too.  
Mentally, Gavin is fixing his mask into place.  
‘Gavin fell on his stupid nose again,’ announces Michael grandly on entering the room, gesturing with his hands as if also announcing Gavin’s entry into the room.  
It’s easy to pretend the blood on his person is a result of clumsiness, Gavin supposes, it’s an act he doesn’t need to contribute to, they carry it on without his help easily.  
Geoff moves closer, loops one arm over Gavin’s shoulders, Geoff is slimmer lately, observes Gavin, a result of giving up drinking, he’s not sure he ever sees Geoff have anything other than water and those stupid candies.  
‘You’re alright, you fool,’ Geoff tells Gavin, pulling him closer and ruffling his hair.  
A quick glance at the clock tells Gavin it’s late, he’s surprised Geoff is here, though he supposed he shouldn’t be too surprised, Geoff has been around more often since his divorce.  
Geoff notices his glance, ‘yeah,’ he says, ‘I was about to head out, wanted to say goodbye to my little Gavvy-wavvy,’ he ruffles Gavin’s hair again, ‘you could come spend the night.’  
Gavin was pretty sure Geoff still viewed Gavin as a son of sorts, ever since taking him in so many years ago. They’d discovered their immortality together, in a blaze of fire. That kind of thing tended to bring people closer together.  
‘No thanks,’ replies Gavin, he offers up a lopsided grin, ‘I’m going to work on the system firewall, and possibly take a crack at hacking the presidents twitter.’  
Jeremy rolls his eyes, he’s perched in front of the large TV, but holds a small handheld, something Ray has left behind years ago if Gavin is recognizing it correctly. He’s noticed Jeremy seems to have adopted all and any object left behind by Ray, which is mostly various handheld gaming items.  
‘Alright, call me if you need anyone,’ Geoff hugs Gavin closer for a moment before releasing him, ‘Make sure you get some sleep,’ he heads for the door now, calling out a goodbye to Jack before leaving.  
Gavin silently disappears back into his room, unwilling to try maintain any act of any kind.  
He’s honestly just tired, exhausted even. That morning they had met up with another crew, negotiating some kind of alliance.  
The Fake Achievement Hunter crew was strong along of course, had been for a great many years, but Geoff felt it was time they built some bonds with other crews in the city.  
None of the others had protested this, and as the usual face of the crew it was up to Gavin to talk, Geoff at one side, making the ultimate choices on anything, Ryan over his shoulder, looking vaguely threatening.  
That isn’t a part of the job Gavin enjoys, he’s sure at one point he enjoyed the grand act of being the golden boy. He doesn’t now, he just wants to fade away into his office, mentally shackled to his computers, working until there is no work.  
After the mornings meeting, they had hit up a bank. It had been a somewhat difficult bank. In his own foolishness, Gavin blew himself up with a grenade, Michael had tried to prevent it, but Gavin’s pretty sure Michael just ended up being caught in the blast.  
No doubt the crew would be staying low after that one. Already some news sources are trying to say they saw the golden boy die.  
It’ll blow over, as it always does.  
With a sigh, Gavin flops onto his bed, mentally and physically exhausted from an evening eating and purging. A cycle that never halts.

============================================

Sleep had been hard to get.  
Even on waking the next morning, he’s still feeling like he got next to no sleep.  
At this point its frustrating, frustrating enough that Gavin’s tempted to overdose on sleeping pills just because even a short temporary death would likely be more restful than actual sleep.  
He could feel Jack’s hand in his own as they ambled down the street, Michael leading the way, Ryan and Jeremy at their feels. Gavin likes holding peoples hands, likes the fact everyone has a different way of doing it.  
Jack’s grip is gentle, her hands are slightly rough.  
In comparison, Michael’s grip is tight, almost to the point of painful, the skin on them is even rougher, long lives of working.  
Jeremy and Michael had hyped each other up about food, which had lead to the pair deciding they need more snacks.  
As they had left the building, Gavin had taken hold of Jack’s hand and she hadn’t protested, or even commented, which is something Gavin like’s about Jack. She gives and receives affection without comment, undoubtedly cares for each of them.  
They enter the grocery store, Jeremy and Michael exchange a look before heading in different directions, Michael swipes a trolley before he goes.  
Jack has grabbed a second trolley, meaning she has to let go of Gavin’s hand. He finds himself being scooped up by Ryan anyway, then dumped in the trolley, he squawks in protest but doesn’t really mind, his heads swimming with dizziness anyway.  
There’s a silent exchange between Ryan and Jack before Ryan claims the trolley and Jack heads for those candies Geoff has taken a liking to.  
Gavin moves to the front of the trolley, folding his legs and half hanging over the front, he starts pointing to things he wants and is surprised when Ryan complies and actually goes to where he wants.  
Jeremy and Michael rejoin them after a short period of Ryan and Gavin doing this, Jeremy is pushing their trolley now, and Michael has his arms full of boxes, ‘Move your giant nose,’ commands Michael.  
‘But Micool, my Ryebread was being all lovely,’ protests Gavin, even as he climbs out of the trolley.  
Michael shrugs this comment off, putting the boxes where Gavin had been sitting.  
Jack returns loading more things into the trolley before reclaiming the trolley from Ryan and taking it to pay, Jeremy follows after her with the second trolley and the rest of them move outside to wait.  
It takes some time for Jack and Jeremy to surface from the store, but Gavin assumes its because it takes a while to scan that many items.  
Jeremy immediately opens a bag of chips once he’s out, it’s unspoken that of course they’re taking the trolley’s home, ‘this is great,’ he assures them, mouth full of chips.  
For a moment, black dots swim about in Gavin’s vision, he goes still, least he stumble, no doubt he’s gone pale considering the look Ryan’s giving him.  
Gavin raises his thumb, beaming at Ryan.  
‘Geoff should be in by now,’ notes Jack, glancing at her watch, ‘Ryan, you’re going to a meeting with him later?’  
Ryan replies, but Gavin doesn’t hear it, his vision is swimming with black dots again, this time his vision blacking out entirely, he staggers, sure he’s going to fall on his face.  
There’s the feeling of an arm across the front of his shoulders, stopping him from falling, he hears Ryan’s low voice, ‘you’re alright, buddy.’  
Before Gavin’s vision is back, or he’s entirely sure he’s actually standing upright, there’s hands on his hips and he’s being picked up, only to be slung over Ryan’s shoulder.  
Jack’s face is swimming before him, and is all he can see from his perch, he thinks she looks concerned, ‘Are you alright, Gavin?’  
‘Course,’ Gavin nods, raising a thumb, ‘didn’t mean to worry you,’ he chirps, ‘must have forgotten breakfast.’  
A criminal of his level, unable to stand because of a missed breakfast, Gavin wants to snort at the idea.  
The red haired female only sighs in response, ‘we’d better get these trolleys home,’ she says, bringing Gavin’s attention to the fact they had all stopped.  
They start moving again, ‘are you alright to carry him, Ryan?’ requests Jack, still looking concerned.  
‘Gavin weighs 100 pounds wet, I’m good,’ Ryan assures.  
Michael moves to walk behind Ryan so he can converse with Gavin, he has an unopened can of energy drink in his hand that he offers to Gavin, ‘how’s the view up there, boi?’ he asks, looking somewhat amused.  
‘Tippy toppers, Micool!’ Gavin accepts the can, he doesn’t like the feeling of purging energy drink, but he supposes he’ll risk it for now, he wants the energy, ‘Almost like view from the penthouse!’  
Jeremy laughs, then splutters when the force of his laugh causes energy drink to come out of his nose.  
Jack looks disgusted, but she still immediately grabs tissues out of her purse to hand over.  
‘Ew,’ Gavin covers his eyes with one hand, still holding the can with the other, ‘that looks gross,’ he complains, now he doesn’t have either hand for holding onto Ryan, but he’s completely sure Ryan wont allow him to fall.  
He’d complain about Ryan’s shoulder digging into his stomach, but he doesn’t think he could manage the walk home.  
They arrive at the elevator, and they agree that Jack and Jeremy should take the trolleys up in it while the rest of them take the stairs.  
Gavin silently gloats at the fact he doesn’t have to walk up the stairs, Michael eyes him suspiciously and Gavin beams, so Michael sticks his middle finger up at the Brit.  
‘Micoool!’ whines Gavin, ‘that’s awfully rude of you.’  
‘I will drop you if you do that in my ear again,’ threatens Ryan, but he can’t hide the slight tone of amusement to his voice.  
Gavin doesn’t respond with any words, just squawks indignantly.


	2. Chapter 2

There’s something sickening about it. Of course there’s something sickening about it.  
It’s all sickening.  
A stomach pushed to it’s limits, feeling swollen with food.  
The sick mixed in with blood feels like tar on his lips.  
His skin feels sticky with sweat.  
Gavin wonders if one day he’ll die along in the bathroom, as an immortal like the rest of the crew, he couldn’t stay dead for long, but he still worries about someone finding his body in here.  
His body would surely be cold if anyone found him before the time he awakes again.  
In truth, this doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if he pukes until his throat erodes away, until his stomach bursts, until his heart stops. He’ll die, and he’ll come back - again and again and again.  
  
Gavin’s aware of the fact his hands are shaking. He’s slow to move from his position hunched over the toilet, throat hot and uncomfortable in a specific way that only occurs after purging energy drink. He taps out a slow pattern against his collar bone, the bone is sharp, jutting through his skin.  
It’s a comfort, a sick comfort, and Gavin wants nothing more than to be the Golden Boy those outside see him as, cool and impervious. He doesn’t want to be this sick . . .thing.  
Someone’s drumming a fist against the door, a steady knock, insistant but not impatient, ‘Are you nearly done in there?’ Jack’s voice calls.  
  
Gavin thinks for a moment, of how much alike Jack and Ryan used to sound, and the fact Jack’s voice has changed so much, not just changing in sound but carrying a happier tone, the pair couldn’t be mistaken now, ‘give me a minute,’ he croaks back, aware of how his throat burns.  
He hears feet shuffling, Jack he assumes, waiting. He’s already flushed the toilet, he stands and moves to gulp a few mouthfuls of water from the tap, splashes his face, feels the stickiness of sweat in his hair. Considers walking off the top of the building.  
Jack shoots him a concerned look when he opens the door, ‘Are you okay?’  
‘Yeah,’ to Gavin it feels like his face cracks open when he smiles, he wonders if it’ll ever crack open and reveal the gaping cavern inside.  
  
Jack doesn’t look convinced, she watches him for a moment before going into the bathroom, only offering up a quiet, ‘if you’re sure.’  
His tank top clings to the juts of his hip, his stomach is bloated and he can feel sweat on it. He feels disgusting.He waits for someone to voice their thoughts, to call out, complain about a certain food being gone.  
Already Gavin doesn’t know what provoked this purge, only vague murky memories of shoveling food in remain, he doesn’t know what he ate.  
Everything he supposes.  
  
He waits for someone to notice the absence of everything he ate, for the white-hot shame to rise up in his throat along with the remains of the burning sensation from purging, waits for his head to ache with how much he hates himself.  
What good is a golden boy slowly exploding and decaying from the inside out.  
  
==============================  
  
Gavin doesn’t really care who looks at his phone. They never see a thing.  
But his phone is full of images, full of information and thoughts, a deeply personal item that’s almost a display of how Gavin has fallen.  
A gallery spanning years, showing how his weight plummets, showing the times where it slowly rises. A journey in pictures.  
He goes on forums, they have names they call themselves, these other people sick like him. But their deaths are permanent, they die and Gavin doesn’t grieve.  
  
Sometimes he posts, but while these people understand a portion of his pain that none of the crew will ever understand, they wont ever understand how it feels to die choking on their own blood, only to wake up and die again.  
Gavin envies them for the way they can waste to nothing and not have to wake up ever again.  
  
He reads and takes in the voices of these hundreds of other people, and he knows he’ll have all of time to experience each horrible thing. These people will run out of time but he never will.  
Gavin cries and mourns, for he can never be at peace.  
  
==============================  
  
They’re all aware of Jack and her seasonal depression, they usually have sun lamps around the penthouse during those months. And they’re aware of Ryan’s insomnia, and his tendency to lose himself to those more murderous thoughts.  
But Gavin knows, that he can never tell them how much he hates himself, he’s kept an aura of confidence for far too long. He also finds he can never quite get the words out, to tell them of how achingly empty he feels all the time, so he tries to fill the void with food, shoveling more and more in, until he might burst.  
Then the overwhelming need to get it all out.  
  
Even when he doesn’t binge he has to get it out.  
The way he feels after the food has come back up, is comforting. He couldn’t imagine going without that feeling.  
Gavin could also never tell them how now, when he eats he can’t stop eating, or how when he can stop eating, it doesn’t matter how much he ate, he has to get it out. Everything is not enough and too much at the same time.  
Today Gavin was following up on a promise.  
  
Days earlier he’d promised to go shopping with Jeremy, Jack and Michael. And he supposes he needs to, most of his clothes are worn to threads, except for those used for his golden boy persona.  
He’s currently dressed well despite not being particularly interested in being recognized, his hair is styled into a perfect mess, and he’s wearing large golden sunglasses that look as tacky as they are.  
They’re just a cheap pair he’d bought and spray painted gold with Jack’s assistance, she’d shown him how he needed to put tape over the glass of them while painting the rest of them, otherwise he’d probably of ended up with sunglasses he couldn’t even see in.  
  
They take Jack’s minivan to the mall, and unsurprisingly, once at the store Jack beelines for the Hawaiian shirts, pretty much the only kind of shirt she wore. She was wearing one now along with blue and white striped shorts.  
Michael was over by the leather jackets, admiring a brown one, but unlikely to actually buy it. Michael seldom did actually buy anything that wasn’t a weapon of some kind.  
At Michael’s side, Jeremy is standing idle. It was something they all did, in moments of inactivity they’d simply go idle, going still, doing nothing. It was eerie at times and Gavin wasn’t sure he liked how they all did it.  
Jeremy hadn’t been part of the crew as long as the rest of them, wasn’t as old as them either, and yet he’d lapsed into starting to go idle.  
Lately it seemed Michael did it less, he’d been seeing Lindsay more often, and as far as Gavin knew, the pair made each other happy.  
Gavin himself wanders over to inspect the tank top, he wanted something light weight for the summer, though he wasn’t sure he’d find much use in it seeing as he seemed to always be cold anyway.  
  
‘The green one is nice,’ notes Jack, coming over to join Gavin, she lightly touches a dark green tank top as a way of indicating to it, ‘It looks like it’d go well with your eyes.’  
Gavin feels a surge of affection for her, she always seemed to know exactly what clothing would suit the other members of the crew, but yet continued to wear those horrible shirts.  
In her arms is a decent amount of the shirts, and she’s now looking at a pair of shorts that aren’t terribly different to the ones she’s already wearing.  
  
‘Ew,’ comes Michael’s voice from the jeans, ‘Dad jeans,’ he holds up a pair to show them.  
Jack wanders over, ‘Ryan might like those,’ she muses, dumping her shirts in Michael’s arms to sift through the jeans.  
Gavin follows after her, ‘he’s going to ruin the crews image with those jeans,’ he whines, not meaning a word of it.  
‘He wont,’ dismisses Michael, bumping his shoulder against Gavin’s, ‘he has his better jeans for heists,’ he finishes this statement by bumping against Gavin again, causing him to squawk in protest as there’s a lot more force in this bump and he’s almost knocked over.  
Jeremy blinks, shaking that mood that seems to hover after being idle, ‘we almost done here?’ he asks.  
‘Yeah,’ confirms Jack, ‘I’ll pay, then we could go pick up something for lunch?’  
The others quickly agree, a pit of dread forms in Gavin’s stomach but both Michael and Jeremy seem eager for take out food.  
  
===========================  
  
Gavin examines his fingers, expression dull, small scratches run up his fingers like little ladders. These scratches generally disappear after a death, but he hasn’t died in a while.  
He can’t help but obsess over it when he does keep any wounds or scars for a while, it almost feels like an achievement to actually stay alive for longer.  
‘Gavin?’ it’s Jack, she turns her attention away from her conversation with Michael and Jeremy to Gavin, an earnest look of concern when she asks, ‘are you okay? you’ve barely eaten.’  
  
‘Yeah, I’m good,’ replies Gavin, face cracking open in a smile he’s beginning to hate, he tears his gaze away from his fingers to meet Jack’s eyes.  
‘Is something wrong with your hands, boi?’ Michael leans forward to see, Gavin is momentarily startled by the fact Michael has noticed.  
There’s an odd expression on Michael’s face as he sees the state of Gavin’s hands in the moments before Gavin moves them to sit on his thighs under the table.  
‘No, nothings wrong,’ replies Gavin, trying to sound earnest. Michael levels him a gaze that’s so intense Gavin just wants to duck under the table and hide.  
Michael shoves a chip in his mouth then reaches out to ruffle Gavin’s hair, Gavin almost cringes away.  
  
‘I’m bored of laying low,’ complains Jeremy, and Gavin agrees. What do they even need to lay low for? Nothing matters, none of this matters and Gavin wants to scream.  
‘Geoff’s been planning something,’ says Jack, ‘you shouldn’t be bored for too much longer.’  
Gavin straightens up, ‘is Geoff planning a sneaky lil heist?’  
‘Not exactly sneaky,’ Jack sighs loudly in a way that conveys her complete and utter despair at how stupid the upcoming heist is likely to be, ‘but it sure is a heist.’


	3. Chapter 3

Gavin worries sometimes that he may not wake up. In those moments before a death, or before going to sleep, he worries his immortality has run out.  
Then he thinks maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all.  
The truth is, none of them know how their immortality works. They each discovered it alone and eventually ended up being this unlikely crew, they don’t know the origin of it.  
He’s pretty sure out of their crew, its Ryan and Geoff who have put the most thought into it, but how are they supposed to research immortality? Is there a way to find out the origins to it? The why or how to it?  
  
Any day their luck could come to an end. But does it matter?  
  
==================================  
  
Gavin has been on the hunt for his own place. He’s owned property before, but he’s between properties currently.  
He doesn’t need a mansion, or some grand place to live, just a small place of his own.  
He hadn’t mentioned it to the rest of the crew, doesn’t really need to either. It’s not as it any of them will care, they each have had various properties over the year.  
Jeremy still owns an old apartment that he shares with Ray, it’s an apartment the pair had rented together years ago and just held onto for whatever reason, despite the fact Ray doesn’t even live in Los Santos anymore.  
He knows Geoff has his own house, on the outskirts of Los Santos, no area in Los Santos is safe but Geoff’s house is in possibly the safest part of the city.  
Geoff mostly has the house because he has a young daughter still,a daughter who likely isn’t immortal. Gavin doesn’t like to think about it.  
He’d probably buy a new computer for his place, possibly even build his own computer - Ryan was better at the building of computers but Gavin’s confident enough in his ability. He mostly doesn’t want to move his current computer out of the penthouse, doesn’t want to have to talk about his apartment, wants it to be all his.  
There’s a knock at the door, startling Gavin out of his thoughts, Ryan wanders into the room, going straight for the window, ‘Hey,’ he nods to Gavin, gaze too intense, ‘have you been doing okay?’  
Gavin’s brain seems to stall in response to this, he forces that painful cracked smile, ‘yeah, of course.’ He didn’t want them to worry, there’s no point in worrying, everything could stay as is and nothing would ever come of it.  
Raising an eyebrow, Ryan approaches Gavin, he towers over Gavin and it makes him uncomfortable. Ryan takes hold of Gavin’s wrist, hand easily wrapping around it  ~~ **Gavin shouldn’t feel as proud as he does**~~  ‘What’s with all the bruises then?’  
  
The bruises don’t always heal with his deaths.  
He’s not sure what exactly does determined what heals after a death, whatever caused the death itself always heals, it’s hit or miss whether the rest of his wounds do or not.  
‘Just know we’re all here for you,’ says Ryan, he still has Gavin’s wrist in his hand, ‘For anything you need.’  
  
He releases Gavin’s wrist a moment later when he doesn’t reply, ruffles Gavin’s hair and offers up a small smile before leaving the room. He doesn’t shut the door properly behind him.  
Gavin lets out a sigh that’s far too exhausted to simply be about the door not being shut, he stares at the door for some time before he moves and closes it. He looks back at the computer screen, wondering if Ryan had noticed what was on it.  
  
There’s plenty of cheap shit holes Gavin could potentially rent, none particularly appeal to him, but it’s not as if he’s running out of time.  
Gavin glances down at his hands where he’s rested them on the keyboard, his fingers are marked again and he feels like he’s almost anxious for his next death.  
There’s another knock at the door.  
  
Jeremy comes bouncing in, ‘Ray’s visiting!’ he cheers, Ray never announces when he’s going to be in the city, ‘Michael sent me to grab you, they want to play x-box.’  
‘Sounds top,’ Gavin stands too quickly, his vision is one big blur, a dark circle in the center, he manages the walk out of his room through sheer muscle memory.  
‘Vav!’ cheers Ray, apparently having noticed Gavin, Gavin forces a smile, ignores his vision, Ray continues talking but Gavin’s hearing fades out next.  
He hits the floor.  
  
=======================  
  
Gavin comes to on a soft surface, he keeps his eyes shut and assesses how he feels, and comes to the conclusion that he still feels like the Same Kind of Shit, not the shit feeling that comes with coming back to life, just the usual feeling of bad he feels.  
So he didn’t die at least, that’s something good.  
With some reluctance he opens his eyes, it takes a moment for his sight to adjust, and the first person he sees is Ryan, standing over the the window, gazing out it and seemingly not paying any attention to Gavin.  
  
‘What happened?!’ comes the fierce demand from Michael as soon as he sees Gavin’s eyes open, they don’t have time for sympathy in this crew, you die, you come back, you get up and continue, the idea of giving Gavin a moment to gather himself isn’t even considered.  
Gavin decides to feign ignorance, ‘Wot?’ he goes, blinking and moving to sit up, Jack is at his side right away, helping him so he’s sat propped up by the back of the couch.  
'You walked in here and passed out, you idiot,’ Michael scowls, ‘what happened? Are you sick?’  
  
‘I felt dizzy, maybe I forgot to eat?’ Gavin lies, he did eat, too much, and he threw it up. He’s lacking something, and that something is making not passing out rather difficult. Something will have to be done before the next heist.  
Jack tuts at him, moving to her feet, ‘Ryan, mind cooking? We could all eat in front of the tv,’ Jack knows how to cook, of course she does, she just feels Ryan cooks Better.  
  
Ryan rolls his eyes, he shoots Gavin a look that causes the lad to freeze, in that moment Gavin is fully aware that Ryan isn’t buying his bluff for even a moment.  
Nothing can stay a secret forever, but Gavin is determined to keep this one until it’s forcibly dragged into the light.


	4. Chapter 4

Gavin sat gasping next to the toilet, this didn’t get easier with time.  
He was dully aware of puke on his chin, but didn’t have any particular interest in cleaning himself up.  
A part of him hoped he hadn’t been in the bathroom too long, but he also supposed it didn’t matter, it was late and no one was likely to be up.  
  
But then, Ryan was known to be awake at odd hours, having had issues with insomnia for as long as they’d known him, and sometimes Jeremy wandered about at night.  
He hadn’t seen anyone when he had been in the kitchen.  
Through how light headed Gavin felt, he also felt disgust at how much food he’d devoured.  
But he’d dealt with it.  
  
The puke smelled horrible. Gavin finally dragged himself to his knees to flush it.  
He stands and stumbles over to the sink to splash water on his face, he examines his face long enough to be aware that he looks like shit.  
  
Eyes tired, skin rough, hair sticking up all over the place, cheeks swollen.  
He sighs and splashes his face again.  
Gavin jumps at the knock on the door, he glances at the mirror before moving to open it.  
‘Are you sick? it sounded like you were throwing up,’ inquires Ryan, he moves to casually lean against the door frame, but Gavin sees right through it, aware Ryan is just preventing him from closing the door again.  
  
A dim tremor of an emotion Gavin can’t quite place runs through him, he blinks, unable to form words for a moment before he just sighs, shoulders slumping as he offers up a smile, ‘yeah, must have been something I ate.’  
A flicker of concern flits across Ryan’s face, almost unreadable, he wanders off, looking as if he expects Gavin to follow.  
  
The Brit does so with some reluctance.  
Once in the kitchen, Ryan simply pours a glass of orange juice for Gavin, sliding it across the counter top, ‘Going back to bed anytime soon?’ the older inquires.  
Gavin shakes his head, he feels floaty and staying up right seems to be a mammoth task. Guilt is battering at the fog that lingers in his mind, he couldn’t sleep even if he wanted to.  
The look Ryan gives him is not one Gavin can read, he’s known Ryan for a long time now, but it’s still hard to guess at what he might be thinking or feeling.  
‘We can watch a movie?’ says Ryan, there’s a can of diet coke in his hand. Gavin hadn’t seen him grab it.  
Gavin can only nod in response, unable to speak, he watches Ryan move over to the tv before moving himself, legs strange and almost unfeeling under him, he all but collapses onto the couch to curl into the corner.  
  
Ryan assesses the situation for a moment then leaves the room, reappearing with a huge blanket, which he rests on the floor as he puts a movie on, neither of them care about what the movie is.  
  
He settles on the other end of the couch, blanket spread as so to cover them both, he notes that Gavin at least seems content. Lately Ryan has been noticing something about Gavin, he can’t quite put his finger on what it is, but he’s determined to.  
  
The movie is only a low hum, and already Ryan isn’t sure what’s going on, he shrugs this off, content to have company, generally at this time of night he’s left to his own devices, alone with his thoughts. He does feel bad about why Gavin is here.  
After some time, Ryan stretches his arms and glances to his companion, noting that Gavin has fallen asleep, he looks just as exhausted asleep as he does awake, but maybe slightly more at ease.  
  
He smiles and turns the movie off, pulling his phone out to scroll through the different news apps. They had gone on a heist just earlier that day, usually they’d spend the night celebrating, but the heist hadn’t gone completely well and had left everyone worn out and unwilling to be around others.  
There’s certainly news on their latest heist, and Ryan is surprised to see one article includes a picture of Gavin.  
  
In the picture, Gavin had been leaving the building, looking over his shoulder at someone else, his shoulders are somewhat slumped and he looks exhausted even in the still frame.  
The news article doesn’t have any actual information, rather it just rambles, speculating at Gavin’s identity, trying to add more words.  
  
Ryan glances at Gavin but doesn’t wake him, begins to message the right people, if he’s awake he may as well get the ball rolling on covering this up to save them all work later.  
He notes to himself that in future, he needs to make sure Gavin is wearing a mask during heists.  
  
==========================  
  
Gavin’s mistake is easy to cover up, but he’s still told to lay low for a few weeks much to his disappointment. Gavin had been hoping to go out and see some of the apartments he was considering.  
  
Currently Ryan was regarding the bathroom door with a look of concern, he’d just heard the sound of throwing up, and now the shower was going. He was decently sure it was Gavin in there.  
Was Gavin coming down with something? Already sick? Why hadn’t he told anyone?  
  
Michael wanders over, slapping a hand onto the Vagabond’s shoulder, ‘something wrong, bud?’  
‘Thought I heard Gavin throwing up,’ he replies, tone distant.  
Michael blinks, considering only for a moment, he shrugs, ‘He has a weak stomach.’  
‘I guess.’  
‘Lindsay’s been trying to set Gavin up with one of her friends, she’s pretty eager to meet Gavin,’ Michael continues talking, and Ryan feels like he’s being observed, like his reaction is something Michael is watching for.  
‘Sounds nice,’ is all he says.  
‘Her names Meg.’  
Recognition stirs through Ryan’s mind, he straightens up slightly, ‘Meg Turney?’  
Michael hums in surprise, ‘you’ve met?’  
‘A couple of times on odd jobs.’  
‘Interested in her?’ Michael seems mystified, out of all of them, Michael is willing to guess he understands Ryan the least.  
Ryan shakes his head slowly, concern for Gavin swirling like a pit in the bottom of his stomach, ‘you should introduce her to Gavin, he’ll like her.’  
  
There’s a knock at the door, Michael perks up, spinning to beeline for the door, Lindsay comes ambling in, looking pleased to be here.  
Gavin emerges from the bathroom, he notices Lindsay and trails after the couple into the living room, his hair is slightly damp and he’s quiet.  
Lindsay is eager to see him, chattering away, hands moving as she talks.  
Ryan follows the three into the living room, claiming a seat in the corner of the room where he can see both the TV screen and the people playing it.  
  
It doesn’t take long for Ryan’s thoughts to wander, and soon he’s lost in his own thoughts and almost entirely unaware of his surroundings.  
He isn’t sure how long he’s daydreaming for, but he comes to to the feel of Gavin’s hand on his arm, Gavin looking vaguely amused, but there’s also a glint of concern to his gaze that Ryan almost doesn’t notice.  
Ryan glances around, noting the darkness of the room, ‘Lindsay left,’ is all he says.  
‘You’ve been out of it for like,’ Gavin pauses, considering, ‘six hours,’ he crinkles his nose at Ryan.  
‘Oh.’  
  
=========================  
  
During the night Gavin leaves his room, feeling unsettled and restless.  
He’s startled when he sees Ryan standing in the kitchen.  
‘Ryan? what are you doing up?’ he moves closer, noting how Ryan doesn’t respond, he lightly waves a hand in front of Ryan’s face.  
Standing still and quiet, gaze turned downwards, Ryan doesn’t respond in the slightest.  
Gavin frowns and lightly takes hold of Ryan’s arm, ‘come on, guy, lets get you to the living room,’ he has to lightly tap the backs of Ryan’s ankles with his feet to get him moving, and he can’t get Ryan to do anything more than slowly shuffle.  
Once he has Ryan sitting, he isn’t quite sure what to do, so he turns on the TV and curls up at the other end of the couch, falling asleep with his eyes on Ryan.  
  
=========================  
  
Gavin looks pale and clammy, is the first thing Ryan notices when he finally becomes aware of his surroundings.  
Ryan’s startled to find himself on the couch, he has foggy memories of a job, then coming home to a shower.  
All of them have been taking up small jobs while the B-team does the bigger heists.  
  
Except for Gavin, who is still laying low.  
Ryan shakes himself, hating the lingering foggy feeling in his mind.  
Gavin is stirring now, having apparently gotten Ryan to the couch then fallen asleep.  
‘Are you okay?’ Ryan asks, leans over to touch Gavin’s elbow lightly.  
Gavin starts at his touch, lashes brushing his cheek as he blinks, gaze lingering on the ground before raising to meet Ryan’s eyes, ‘oh, yeah,’ he nods but doesn’t look very convincing, his gaze drifts towards the clock, ‘I need to get ready, I agreed to go to lunch with Meg.’  
‘Sounds nice,’ says Ryan, he forces himself to his feet, joints creaking as he does so, he wanders over to the fridge to grab a diet coke, without much thought he offers one to Gavin and is surprised when he accepts.  
  
‘Yeah,’ replies Gavin, ‘I think Meg wants to be more than friends,’ he frowns, looking uncertain, ‘I don’t know what I want yet.’  
In all the time Ryan’s known Gavin, he doesn’t think he’s ever known Gavin to have any kind of partner.  
‘Fair enough, I don’t think you need to rush into anything,’ he shoots Gavin an amused look, sipping at his drink and leaning against the counter, ‘we have all the time in the world,’ as an immortal, time never truly runs out.  
Gavin rolls his eyes, ‘Yeah, doesn’t mean I want to waste her time,’ he looks somewhat distant now, ‘she deserves better than me.’  
  
‘I’m sure she does,’ agrees Ryan, tone light, joking, ‘but she apparently wants you, that has to say something.’  
‘That she has low standards?’  
Ryan snorts, ‘No, you’re a pretty decent guy however much I or the rest of the crew say otherwise, she’d be lucky to have you.’  
In return, Gavin pulls a face rather than replying verbally, his gaze shifts to the couch, where it stays. Ryan can guess exactly what he’s thinking, ‘Dissociation,’ he says, voice quiet.  
‘When I dissociate,’ Ryan starts, noticing how Gavin’s gaze stays on the couch rather than looking at him, ‘it’s like I’m not really there, I can see everything, but my thoughts and memories feel far away, I’m looking through a tunnel and there’s nothing I can do.’  
‘Does that happen often?’  
‘It’s been happening more often lately,’ Ryan admits.  
  
There’s a knock at the door, Gavin jumps, startled by the noise, he looks to Ryan - who just gestures for Gavin to answer it.  
Meg is beaming as she enters the penthouse, she hugs Gavin tightly for a moment before taking notice of Ryan, ‘Ryan,’ she greets, voice loud, ‘I didn’t know you’d be here,’ Ryan can’t help but feel the need to be careful, burdened under the sudden feeling she might break. She shoots him an odd look but doesn’t comment, she has a large purse on one arm, she looks to Gavin, ‘ready to go?’ she inquires.  
‘Ah, not quite, hold on a moment, love,’ Gavin shoots out of the room, both Meg and Ryan staring after him.


	5. Chapter 5

Gavin thinks about the slow process that had occurred before Ray left the crew.  
How Ray slowly stopped caring if things went well or not, like he hoped on some level that if he screwed up enough, he’d be kicked out of the crew and not have to feel bad about leaving.  
For days, Ray spent so much of his time up on the roofs of random buildings, intently staring through he scope of his rifle.  
  
Gavin wondered if Ray felt distant from it all like Gavin himself does now.  
There’d also been moments before Ray left, where Gavin would be hanging around, and he’d find Ray just . . staring. Staring at his hands, or his sides, and it confused Gavin, still did.  
It wasn’t like he could question it now. Ray was still their friend, he could still speak to them anytime.  
  
But something stopped Gavin from ever asking.  
And then after those days of just sitting and staring through the scope, Ray had started stepping off the buildings.  
They’d be sitting in the living room, and Ray would stumble by, covered in his own blood.  
Weeks of pointless and deliberate deaths from Ray, only to build and build in their frequency and intensity, until Ray was just gone.  
Gavin wondered how it felt.  
  
To die so frequently, so push the very limits of their immortality.  
Gavin resists the urge to throw himself off the nearest building. It doesn’t matter, and yet it matters so much.  
  
==============================  
  
  
It isn’t Gavin’s first time passing out in front of the crew. But it isn’t the best time to be passing out.  
He wasn’t even meant to be out in sight, still meant to be laying low.  
  
But there were more police officers around than expected, and Gavin was called away from his computer to lend a hand.  
His hands feel strange, like he can barely feel the weight of the weapon in them, his head spins as he’s striding forward towards Ryan’s side.  
He sees black dots, and has a guess of what is coming, he remains silent, he always remains silent.  
  
Everything is fine if you don’t acknowledge the elephant in the corner, it’s a lesson Gavin grew up with, and one he knew well.  
‘Gavin!’ Ryan’s voice seems to shatter the air as Gavin’s knees collapse out from under him.  
For a moment, Gavin is on the ground, too stunned to move. He knows Ryan is waiting for a break in fire from the police, wonders if he should wait for Ryan to get to his side.  
Gavin forces himself to his feet just in time for Ryan to arrive.  
  
‘What happened?’ demands Geoff in the coms, it’s a sensitive time, and not the time to be out of the loop, he has plans for the event of a crew member taking a death during a heist, but he prefers not to have to use them.  
‘I’m fine,’ Gavin forces the words out, his throat is burning and he almost wishes he had just died.  
  
Ryan shakes his head, puts a hand on Gavin’s arm, ‘he passed out for a moment,’ he tells Geoff.  
‘Passed out?’ questions Jack, and the concern in her voice is so real that Gavin wants to scream.  
None of this matters, they’re all immortal anyway.  
Why should it matter if Gavin throws up sometimes? or that he sometimes dies choking on his own puke?  
  
Gavin sees Ryan nod out of the corner of his eye, then an odd look flits across Ryan’s face before he speaks again, ‘Yeah, I’m getting him out of here, change of plans.’  
Geoff groans but doesn’t protest, which surprises Gavin. It’s not as if Gavin staying in the action would have any kind of negative affect, if he dies, he dies and he returns. It doesn’t matter.  
  
Jeremy shifts position to cover the gap left by Ryan and Gavin, Lindsay following him.  
It’s surprising when they get away without any followers.  
They head for one of the safe houses, they don’t have many, haven’t ever needed them for much.  
Gavin feels dizzy clinging to Ryan on the motorbike.  
  
His thoughts revolve around food constantly, Gavin knows exactly when he last ate, how much he ate, knows exactly when he last purged - that morning.  
They arrive and Ryan drags Gavin inside, his grip on Gavin’s arm tight enough to bruise, Gavin doubts Ryan is aware of this.  
Ryan goes straight into the kitchen.  
  
‘What are you doing?’ inquires Gavin from where he’s been dumped at the dining room table. He rubs his arm rather absently.  
‘Making eggs,’ replies Ryan, he doesn’t look at Gavin as he cooks, he’s actually surprised there’s food at this safe house at all.  
Gavin frowns, ‘Why?’  
‘You obviously need to eat, you passed out.’  
  
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Gavin says, hand going still on his arm momentarily, ‘everyone keeps forgetting that,’ Gavin’s voice drops to a murmur, ‘none of it fucking matters.’  
Ryan goes still.  
There’s silence, then he turns to Gavin, forgetting the eggs momentarily, ‘what do you mean nothing matters?’  
‘Exactly that, none of it matters,’ Gavin spits, unexpectedly angry, ‘we’re immortal, it doesn’t matter if I fucking faint out there, or if I die here now, either way I’ll come back, you saw Ray before he left, he was dying multiple times a day, it didn’t matter!’  
  
‘Just because it doesn’t affect us permanently physically,’ starts Ryan, voice careful, ‘doesn’t mean it won’t stick in our minds and affect our mental health, and even if we are here forever, it still matters, we still deserve to not feel like shit,’ he leans so his elbows rest on the kitchen counter, waiting for Gavin’s response.  
Gavin silently glares, and Ryan suddenly realizes he really doesn’t know how to handle this at all. He goes to say something more, but Gavin is moving.  
  
Neither of them had ditched their weapons on arriving at the safe house.  
  
Ryan is regretting that now.  
Gavin is too quick in how he raises the gun, pressing it against the underside of his jaw and pulling the trigger.  
What a fucking mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parts of this chapter are rewritten from chapter 7 of the original, then it continues into rewriting chapter 8 of the original.  
> I feel like it’s really becoming more obvious what adding immortality does to the plot?  
> In the original Golden Boy, Gavin is quiet and eats, he doesn’t get to throw it up either.  
> In this, Ryan doesn’t even get to finish cooking the eggs, and Gavin isn’t quiet, he’s angry.  
> Idk, I kinda just wanna ramble about how immortality affects a crew of a criminals, lol.  
> Anyone know any good AH discord servers for rambling about ones own fanfic?


	6. Chapter 6

‘You should have a shower,’ is the first thing Gavin hears.  
His head is still ringing from having shot himself, he can feel the stickiness of blood on his head. Surprisingly he’s slummed forward onto the dining room table, he would have thought Ryan would have moved him at least.  
  
Or maybe Ryan had been to angry to move him.  
They hadn’t ever specifically agreed to anything, but none of them ever killed themselves in front of each other for any reason. Gavin had done this out of spite.  
Gavin’s head is ringing and he doesn’t really want to move.  
  
‘Well? Go shower,’ comes Ryan’s voice again, there’s an edge to it, Ryan is definitely angry, ‘you did this to yourself, you can clean it up yourself.’  
Gavin doesn’t move from his slumped over position at the table, presses his face against it more in the hopes of the cool surface soothing the ringing in his head, closes his eyes.  
There’s an aggravated sigh from Ryan, then Gavin’s being yanked to his feet, an arm around his waist.  
  
Gavin’s stomach lurches, there’s nothing in it to even throw up.  
His feet drag along the floor as Ryan practically carries him to the bathroom, not giving him a moment to try get his feet under himself more properly.  
He’s dumped on the bathroom floor while Ryan goes to turn on the shower, testing the heat of the water with his hand.  
  
Ryan turns to Gavin and just sighs again when Gavin hasn’t moved, he grips both of Gavin’s arms firmly for a moment to pull him forward away from the wall, is rough in removing Gavin’s clothing.  
There’s a look to Ryan’s eyes when he sees the bruise that has formed on Gavin’s arm from him being so rough at pulling Gavin into the safe house.  
  
He gets Gavin entirely undressed and wraps a hand around each of the lads’ wrists, pulling him to his feet without warning, for a moment Gavin’s legs don’t want to cooperate and he awkwardly hangs limply from Ryan’s grip.  
  
Distantly, in the back of Gavin’s mind, he feels like he should be embarrassed being naked in front of Ryan like this.  
He stumbles when Ryan pulls him towards the shower, grip on his wrists not helping him stay upright at all.  
Gavin gasps at the scalding hot water of the shower, stares down at his feet as the water turns red, the hot of the water is so close to unbearable, but Gavin has burned alive before and nothing compares to the heat of fire, of feeling his own skin burn away.  
  
There’s a growl from Ryan, he turns the water down on noticing the harsh red of Gavin’s skin, grabs a wash towel and starts scrubbing at the blood regardless.  
Gavin doesn’t try to help at all, leans uselessly against the shower wall, eyes closed as he tries to ignore Ryan, who is scrubbing harshly enough that Gavin is almost surprised that no skin is coming off with the blood.  
  
What does it matter if he’s clean or not?  
‘Hold up,’ Gavin forces the words out, tugging himself away from Ryan, who doesn’t resist against this at all.  
Gavin kneels, puking up stomach acid, not having anything else to come up. His throat burns at the feeling.  
There’s a sound of disgust from Ryan.  
  
‘You can take it from here,’ Ryan decides, slapping the wash cloth onto Gavin’s shoulder before leaving the bathroom, grabbing a towel on his way out.  
Gavin closes his eyes against the water still steaming down into his eyes, doesn’t move to grab the wash cloth, instead allows his knees to give out, awkwardly falls to the bottom of the shower, where he curls up and tries to not think.  
  
====================================  
  
Ryan feels bad.  
Gavin was barely standing, and Ryan left him alone in the shower. After treating him so roughly too.  
But there’s also anger.  
Enough anger in his guts to make him feel sick.  
  
Without his clothing, Gavin had just looked more pathetic, and Ryan wonders how long Gavin had been so incredibly sick for.  
Clearly Ray’s deaths play on Gavin’s mind a lot, Ray had only ever died in front of them once, and that had been enough for them to realize Ray really did have something going on.  
  
And as far as Ryan knew, Ray was still suffering after affects of how quickly his mental health had plummeted in that time before finally officially leaving the crew.  
Was this what happened to immortals? Or was it specific to their career?  
Was Gavin just the next to go? And any of them could be next, getting wildly reckless and tearing themselves to pieces for no apparent reason.  
  
Ryan wants to yell, because he doesn’t understand.  
Before he gets out of the hallway, he hears the thump of Gavin falling to the bottom of the shower, can’t bring himself to turn back.  
He feels so angry and yet so miserably sad at the same time.  
His own harsh treatment of Gavin just now couldn’t of helped either, but Ryan doesn’t know what to do.  
  
And he keeps getting stuck on that. The fact he doesn’t know what to do.  
He forces himself to go back to the bathroom, is gentler as he gets Gavin to his feet. Gavin is entirely unresponsive, and Ryan tries to shove the fear down.  
The bruise on Gavin’s arm has darkened, and the backs of his shoulder are a disgusting shade of red, burnt and sore looking, the skin starting to blister.  
  
Ryan tries to be gentle as he tries to dry Gavin without hurting him further.  
He’ll have to put something on the burns, Ryan tries not to think about the fact those are his fault.  
He leaves Gavin leaned against the room to go hunt for something for him to wear.  
  
They may not have many safe houses, but they’ve stayed in each of them often enough that they probably have some clothes somewhere.  
Gavin hasn’t moved when he returns with clothes that are probably too big for him, doesn’t respond as Ryan dresses him, leaving him without a shirt.  
Finally flinches when Ryan starts pressing gauze against the burns, using tape to make sure it stays in place.  
  
A part of Ryan is relieved to see some kind of reaction from Gavin, even as he feels bad.  
Once the wound is covered, he pulls the shirt onto Gavin and gets him standing again, leading him to the bedroom rather than the main room - which still has blood everywhere.  
At least Gavin is somewhat responsive now, walking himself rather than being dragged along.  
  
Ryan swallows back the mixture of anger and fear he feels, tries to ignore the utter hopelessness of the situation.  
He really doesn’t know what to do.  
  
=======================================  
  
The next morning, Ryan hasn’t slept.  
Instead has spent the night cleaning the place of blood, determinedly removing blood from carpet, from the chair, from the table.  
He’s sitting on the couch when he hears the sound of a door, the shower starting up.  
  
It’s half an hour before Gavin surfaces from the bedroom, he’s wearing shorts that are too big on him, he’s found a belt to hold it up but he isn’t wearing a shirt.  
Ryan immediately can guess why - the burns on Gavin’s back.  
There’s a strange look in Gavin’s eyes as he ambles over, placing the first aid kid beside Ryan before sitting in front of him.  
  
The burned skin looks worse in the light of day, Ryan doesn’t bother apologizing, doubts Gavin would accept it.  
‘Breakfast?’ he offers, voice soft as he puts fresh gauze over the burned skin.  
Gavin flinches, Ryan is unsure if it’s a reaction to the offer, or from Ryan still tending to the burn.  
  
‘All done,’ murmurs Ryan, quick to pack the first aid kit up.  
Gavin shifts so he’s further away from Ryan before standing properly, he’s barely more than bones and Ryan hates that he doesn’t know when this started, that it’s likely the crew doesn’t even realize there’s a problem.  
Gavin leaves the room, presumably to grab a shirt.  
  
‘We may as well meet up with the rest of the crew,’ Ryan calls after him, Gavin doesn’t answer and Ryan can’t exactly blame him. He’d hate himself if he were Gavin, too.  
Gavin returns, now wearing a shirt and they walk outside together.  
They’re both silent as they put their helmets on and get on the motorbike.  
  
The buildings fly by, and Ryan is intensely aware of Gavin’s arms around his middle. Extremely aware of Gavin’s presence in general.  
He wonders if he should tell the crew what happened - he should tell Geoff at least. Definitely Geoff.  
Out of all of them, Geoff has known Gavin the longest.  
  
Without his mask on, Ryan isn’t particularly noticeable, not that people tend to pay attention to those zipping by on the street.  
In a city like this, no one has time to be observant.  
They arrive at a large apartment complex, Gavin’s least favourite safe house. Ryan’s chest aches at the reminder of that conversation, of Gavin insisting it’s impossible to not have a favourite and least favourite safe house.  
  
Jack’s the first one to look up when the pair enter, she’s by Gavin’s side right away, touching his arm, ‘Gavin! how do you feel?’ she keeps a light grip on Gavin’s arm and leads him over to the couch, her gaze lingers on the bruise on his other arm, she’s familiar with bruises caused by too rough hands.  
She’s not sure she wants to know the story to this one, feels like she needs to.  
  
‘Have you eaten?’ she presses, ‘I can cook something.’  
Gavin is oddly silent, sitting where she’d lead him to, seemingly not looking anywhere in particular.  
Jack switches her gaze to Ryan, frowning at him before glancing to Gavin’s bruised arm then back to Ryan again.  
  
‘It’s probably not what you’re thinking,’ says Ryan immediately, the guilt seeps deeper into his bones. He wants to sink into the ground.  
He’s thankful that Jack can’t see the burns.  
  
Jack shoots Ryan a stern look, ‘then what is it?’  
Ryan hesitates, too long, Jack only looks more intense the longer he hesitates.  
‘I think Geoff should be here to hear it, too,’ Ryan settles on.  
  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

Geoff emerges from one of the rooms within the next few moments, looks pleased to see them briefly before catching sight of Jack’s expression.  
Jack grabs Ryan by his arm and stomps into the room Geoff had just left, Geoff shoots Gavin a curious look and follows after them, watching as Jack gently closes the door behind him, ‘what’s going on?’ he inquires once Jack is facing Ryan again.  
  
‘Gavin hasn’t been eating enough, or maybe he’s eating too much, I’m not sure,’ Ryan stares over Jack’s shoulder, glaring at the wall behind her rather than meeting her gaze, ‘I think that’s why he’s passing out, from under eating, or over eating, he’s definitely throwing up his food deliberately.’  
  
‘You’re saying  _Gavin_  has an eating disorder?’ Geoff looks incredulous.  
  
‘I started making eggs for him yesterday at the safe house,’ Ryan continues, ‘he got the bruise because of me, I was too rough pulling him into the safe house.’  
Jack’s eyes narrow, she remains quiet.  
  
‘He refused to eat, and was insisting nothing matters, he mentioned Ray too,’ Ryan falls silent.  
  
‘And that’s it?’ Geoff probes, ‘that’s all that happened?’ he knows Ryan, and he can tell Ryan is feeling guilty. He can’t possibly guess what for.  
Something to do with Ray, Geoff guesses.  
In the days before Ray left, he’d been barely stable, frequently killing himself, throwing himself into danger.  
  
Ray had only died in front of them once, and after that, they had been more attentive. They had been slowly realizing something was wrong, but that death was the trigger.  
Sometimes Ray still calls Geoff in the middle of the night, crying and pleading for forgiveness.  
Geoff isn’t sure what Ray needs forgiveness for, but he’d give it every time. Not that Ray ever seemed to remember the next day.  
  
So Gavin had mentioned Ray. Geoff can guess what Ryan’s feeling guilty about, he remains silent and waits for Ryan to say it.  
  
‘Gavin shot himself.’  
The words are out, Ryan wants to leave it there, but he keeps talking, ‘I tried to say that the deaths still had an affect, they still mattered, but I guess he didn’t want to hear it, he grabbed his gun and shot himself in the head.’  
  
‘That’s not all there is,’ says Geoff, voice careful, he’s had years with this idiots, he knows when there’s more to a story.  
  
‘I was pretty rough on him once he came back,’ Ryan admits, hunching in on himself, ‘pretty much forced him into the shower, he just wasn’t really responsive at all, and I made it worse.’  
  
Jack looks uncertain, as if she isn’t sure if she should be angry or not, or even who she should be angry at. Ryan’s pretty certain she should be angry at him, he’d messed up.  
‘I’ll cook something for Gavin,’ Jack declares, marching out of the room.  
  
Geoff watches Jack leave the room, ‘I have a meeting to get to,’ he mutters, also leaving, except he leaves the apartment entirely.  
  
================================  
  
Weeks later, Gavin can’t help but notice Ryan is keeping a closer eye on him.  
His incident in the safe house isn’t bought up, but when Ryan plans heists he keeps Gavin out of the action, makes him stay in safer locations.  
And Gavin tries not to be bothered about that, hacking is his main job in the crew anyway. But it feels like Ryan doesn’t trust him around guns anymore.  
Not only that, Ryan hovers.  
  
Ryan is nearly always somewhere nearby, quiet but ready to rush in if Gavin indicates he wants Ryan closer.  
He starts preparing meals for Gavin, healthy meals, oatmeal, fruits, yogurt, small dishes of vegetables.  
Quietly shoots sad eyes towards Gavin when he doesn’t finish his meals.  
  
All in all, Ryan isn’t forceful, just . .Always present.  
Currently, Gavin is sat staring at a plate of eggs.  
Jack and Geoff are in the room, along with Ryan, naturally. The only three that know what happened, and Gavin suspects Ryan didn’t even tell them every detail.  
  
The eggs aren’t bad, he’d watched Ryan cook them. ~~A singular egg couldn’t be more than 100 calories, 80 calories if he’s being realistic.~~  
Still, he stares at the eggs and doesn’t take a bite, the feeling of shooting himself in the head strong.  
This is his first time eating eggs since then.  
  
‘Something wrong with the eggs?’ inquires Ryan, taking a seat next to Gavin with his own plate, he also has bacon with his eggs.  
Across the table, Jack is deliberately looking away, like she doesn’t want them noticing she’s listening.  
  
‘They’re fine,’ Gavin says after too long of a pause, his throat hurts. He doesn’t want to eat.  
Before Gavin’s thought it through, he’s standing and moving to prepare a cup of tea.  
‘Your eggs will go cold,’ notes Ryan, voice not at all forceful, mild if anything.  
  
====================================  
  
They’re having a meeting of the main crew, something that doesn’t really happen that often with the recent work into expanding the main crew.  
Everyone has been coming and going frequently, rooms have been rearranged, people moved in.  
Gavin isn’t 100% paying attention, is startled when Geoff speaks to him, ‘I’d like to talk to you about something,’ he’s standing by Gavin’s chair, ‘How about we go somewhere more private.’  
  
For a moment Gavin can’t breath, he forces himself to stand and follow Geoff into another room, he ignores the way Ryan’s eyes stay on him until he’s out of sight.  
‘I know the plan was to have you take over the crew eventually,’ starts Geoff, closing the door behind them, ‘but your current duties are a lot, and I don’t really want to put the extra load on you.’  
  
Gavin perches on the end of Geoff’s bed, head spinning. Had he failed somehow? Did Geoff think he wasn’t good enough?  
It was because he shot himself in front of Ryan, it had to be.  
They all thought he was going the way Ray did, setting himself up to abandon the crew.  
  
He tries to focus on what Geoff’s saying, but the words slip by like he’s trying to grab smoke with his bare hands.  
‘-so how do you feel about that? or should I shelve Lindsay for now?’ Geoff’s words fade in again, ‘I do believe Lindsay is a lot more responsible than people give her credit for.’  
  
He’s missed the last few minutes, but Geoff doesn’t know that, Gavin acts like he knows what Geoff is talking about, nods, ‘uh, yeah, if you’re sure about it, cool.’  
He hopes the response is appropriate, Geoff doesn’t look confused or bothered.  
  
‘You aren’t upset at all?’ probes Geoff, gaze creased with concern.  
Upset about what? wonders Gavin to himself, he stands, his hands feel numb, ‘Not at all,’ he beams, ‘Better get back to all those duties I have, yeah?’  
  
=================================  
  
‘Gavin,’ Ryan’s voice interrupts his thoughts.  
Since speaking to Geoff, Gavin has been sat at his desk in a daze, working but not really aware of what he’s working on.  
At Ryan’s voice he startles, focuses on his screen to reassure himself he hadn’t been typing gibberish for the last however long.  
  
‘I’m heading to the grocery store,’ Ryan tells him, ‘I have some other shopping to do, too, come with me?’  
He isn’t phrasing it like a question where he just happens to be going out and wont mind if Gavin needs or wants to come, Ryan’s asking like it’d be a favour to him if Gavin came. The emotion that floods into Gavin is one he can’t identify in the moment.  
  
‘Sure,’ Gavin blinks, trying to shake the dazed feeling off.  
It feels like he’s staring through fog, the gears of his mind slowly pushing through mud.  
But Ryan looks happy, beaming away, ‘Meet you down stairs in five?’  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Aspects of things that affected Ryan in And will be present in this version of Golden Boy, and each chapter will hopefully be longer.  
> And maybe I'll actually finish writing this fic, lmao.


End file.
